"This original advertising campaign created the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra under the direction of the photographer Björn Evers.

He used a macro photography to capture the inner poverhnust musical instruments such as violin, cello, flute, trumpet and organ. It turned out quite impressively."

Vulnerability

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

The above is a link to a ted talk by Brene Brown, a professor/researcher of social work and avid story teller. I watched the above talk after it was recommended to me by a friend.

I found it highly inspiring, truthful, and fundamentally beautiful. I suggest you watch it, if you'd like...

In it Brene discusses vulnerability: everyone has feelings of vulnerability, yet most of us hide them. we suppress, we "numb"... however, when we numb the pain, disappointment, and vulnerability, we unfortunately also numb our potential to feel joy, happiness, connectivity. we can't choose to feel some emotions and not others. it just is not how we are wired.

So with a new year comes a new challenge: to remain open and loving and ACCEPTing of who we are with our own imperfections and shortcomings.

Story:

I was on the plane coming back from LA to NY last week and I was feeling fine. However, people (or "those fucking idiots") took the space where my bag was supposed to fit so I was stuck searching for another overhead compartment to stuff my roller bag in. Well, turns out a lot of other people were searching for their own spaces.

I had tried to squeeze my bag in one compartment but failed. Then another girl tried to fit her bag in the same spot. I kind of just laughed sympathetically and said to myself (but aloud) "that won't fit"...and she was clearly offended and said "well why don't you just get a flight attendant for me".
*PAUSE*
Now here is usually where I would get mad and yell something back in defense, something like "well I'd get you one if I gave a shit...but I don't"
BUUUUUUUUT
instead I tried just breathing and then calmly told her I just sympathized with her.

Then she was standing in my row and I had placed my coffee cup under the seat (since there are no cup holders on planes) and realizing that was a stupid idea, just said to her "oh be careful because my coffee is underneath the seat. I don't want you to kick it". well, she obviously was not happy and said "well I am sitting here and will be a minute so you'll just have to deal"

*BREATHE*

(she walks to find a place for her dumb orange bag)

I find her license on the floor. I seriously debate holding on to it and not giving it to her...

*BREATHE*

I give it back to her. she says thanks in the most forced way.

We sit down next to each other.

Then I think, this could be the longest fucking 6 hours of my life and I could hold this grudge or I could just let it go. So I choose the latter and tell her "Look I didn't meant to be rude earlier, sorry if it came off that way"

and to my surprise she totally backed down and also apologized. said that someone had cut her off and since her arriving on the plane she had just wanted to kill someone. I said I understood and then she said "I guess we can be friends for the next few hours"

well, turns out she is this awesome person and we totally talked for most of the way. after our initial "shit, uh oh, you suck and I'm right" we realized that we had it all wrong. She is this poet and we talked a lot about the similarities in poetry and music, and all the arts. how to create flow, how to communicate, how each is beautiful and expressive in its own way. she said something interesting regarding how when she's writing she likes to taste the words, feel them, hear them... we talked about classical music, orchestra functioning, hip hop, poetry, gadgets, etc. It was actually a great conversation and we were both happy that a potentially sour situation proved to be rewarding.

I guess it is possible to acknowledge yet not indulge in anger.

new years resolution: to be more open, loving, accepting, kind.

BREATHE.

Big Apple, Banana Peel

"...That every willful solution carries us into a self-achieved isolation is true even when the decision 'to do' is of the most commonplace variety. That was demonstrated to me on a short ferry ride with a friend. As I sat chatting with him, I ate my way through a banana. When it was finished I was left with the skin and thought, naturally enough, 'I have to throw this out.' I knew where the garbage cans on the ferry were and planned to pass one as I disembarked. A minute or two later, I realized that though I continued sitting and chatting, one part of me was somewhere else, waiting to throw out the peel. That's all it took: so trivial a plan as that was enough to compromise my ability to be present. Once I realized that, I was able to return to the simple pleasure of sitting on the boat, talking with a friend, and holding a banana peel in my hand. I returned to the wakefulness of the pelvic intelligence. As it says in the Tao, 'Know the male, yet keep to the female.' When we keep to the male supervisor, we become mired in the abstractions of self-consciousness," from Philip Shepherd, New Self New World

So I have been reading this book, New Self New World, since I moved to NYC and it has been an exhilarating ride thus far. You know when someone can say to you something a million times and you just don't get it... until one time you hear it and it clicks?- well I've been having a lot of little *clicks* lately.

Everyone asks me, "Sarah, what are you DOING in NY?" Well, I tell them, I am doing really not a whole lot- and it's wonderful! For the first time in my life I am not horribly anxious, exhausted, obsessed with finding life's meaning (well sorta), and am ENJOYing my life! I sit in a office M-F and answer phones and direct people to this way or that.. but my job has a lot of free time. I can read, journal, watch movies, contemplate, not contemplate... it is a whole lotta "nothing" yet exactly what I needed. It is also the first time in my life where I have actually put down the violin. I have been saying I want a break from violin for the last few years, yet have never done it. Truthfully, there is just a ton of pressure to "be a violinist": go to grad school, take auditions, play in orchestra, teach this or that, be famous, be good (enough), etc. It is actually totally overwhelming and I never realized how exhausted I had become because of it. Not to blame my anxiety on violin itself; it was just my relationship towards violin that needed to be examined.

So I still have a little anxiety when people say "Where are you playing?" or "How is violin?" but when I take a moment to relax and come back to the PRESENT, I realize I have no reason for worries. I love that I am just living: running or walking through the parks, seeing close friends, working and (attempting) saving money, feeling NY as home... It feels incredible to be living here, now, in NYC of all places. It does actually feel like home more than any other place has. I guess I feel gratitude towards you, life, universe, myself.

I am learning to be more receptive to what is- giving in to the moment rather than planning and controlling... (I feel a class in that would have been more useful than any other college course I took)

*photo above is view from office

Rhythm, Balance, Movement

So the other day during one of our Carnatic theory sessions, my teacher and I discussed the history and development of Carnatic music. I asked him why he thought Carnatic (and also Hindustani) music was so obviously rhythmically superior to Western Classical. He said that unlike the West, the East did not gravitate towards ensemble and group playing. The emphasis (which we noted parallels with the spiritual aspect/development) was the individual. Because harmony could not be developed without the the ensemble, naturally rhythm became a main focus.

The complexity of Carnatic rhythm is so rich that I cannot even begin to understand it all. The subdivisions are to a much greater extent. It seems that in the West rhythmic emphasis has diminished in recent years. We tend to emphasize intonation and good tone over rhythm, but of course without rhythm we cannot have music! Tala, my teacher said, is a way to measure or structure rhythm. The world has a rhythm; life has a rhythm. Tala is a way of balancing movement. When he said this it was like a light went on. Hello! Of course- rhythm is not just a mere pattern of beats or something we impose on the music; rather, rhythm is innate. Rhythm is life! This reminded me of the Hindu's insistence that life is one cosmic dance. Tala as well emphasizes the concept of the cycle; not just patterns repeating necessarily, but the feeling of execution-growth-return. It seems often to me that Western classical performance has lost this feeling of oneness-especially rhythmically.


Hari said that out of this focus on the individual came the idea of manodharma sangeeta. Manodharma sangeeta is usually used to refer to music made on the spot, unplanned, improvised. However, it is not merely improvised music. From Hari's explanation of the term, I have come to understand the it as the personal mark of a person, expressed through music. He told me that mano means mind, dharma means (here) state of mind, and sangeeta means music. Therefore when one performs in this manner, the music manifested is not something imposed or forced or mindless, it is a direct experience of one's soul, one's being. Thus manodharma sangeeta is not just a result of one's style/personality, but stems from the result of one's inner being. Often we hear teachers say we need to have our own style, we need to develop our own way of interpreting music. However, this implies that our experience in music can be imposed- we choose how we play something. We like it this way or that. We do a slide here or a pause there. Yet, manodharma sangeeta implies that our music performance reveals our innermost essence. We cannot choose how we experience a piece, we can only surrender to it.



Thoughts on Yoga...
I had some good experiences with yoga at Ayurvedagram (an Ayurvedic retreat center outside Bangalore) a while back. Today I was contemplating the major differences between yoga in the East and the West. Besides the overall energetic component (which the West's "yoga" lacks), there is a balance of activity and receptivity. Both Rebecca and I have done yoga with different teachers here in India. While I never attended her class, she mentioned that one aspect which she appreciated here was the emphasis on rest. I woke up today and remembered that my yoga teachers, too had insisted on the resting component of yoga. This of course then got me thinking even more... why in the West we often only emphasize the "doing" part? Where is the other half? As I mentioned in an earlier post, aren't we missing half of the puzzle? Isn't life about balance? We are very active and fill our days with endless lists. We even call them "to do" lists... why can't we rest though? Even on a physical level, if we do not rest enough, we cannot function, we cannot perform well, we cannot live well. We know this yet we still obsess over activity.

My Carnatic teacher had referenced a Zen poem some time ago: A pot is only useful because it is empty. Of course! This makes so much sense to me! I GET it. Since then I have been contemplating on allowing my pot to be more empty (wow that sounds CHEESY). But in all seriousness- receptivity is uncomfortable, makes one vulnerable... I don't like it. I try to ignore it... yet it is there. It is a part of me. So... I've been experimenting with how to be more receptive to life, how to not be so active (in an unhealthy, obsessive manner). How can I take things as they come, how can I allow myself to be empty and open? If my pot is filled too high with garbage and meaningless thought and activity, how can I even recognize something else? something greater? something more subtle... hmmm the subtlety of life...

The Mind is a Filter

"When the rational mind is silenced, the intuitive mind produces an extraordinary awareness; the environment is experienced in a direct way without the filter of conceptual thinking" (Capra, The Tao of Physics).

Concepts and theories are not experience.

Life cannot be categorized.

I am still categorizing life...

My labels allow me to live in a safe box promising stability and predictability.

There is no formula for life.

I am trying to break free from others' recipes for life. They are not mine and thus will never work, no matter how much I try to impose them.

Fuck what society deems as acceptable and professional behavior.

Expectations ruin life, love, experience.

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Karnatic Violin in...Karnataka!

It would be a shame if I were to live in the Indian state of Karnataka and not learn Karnatic violin.  Recently, I am beginning to see the limits I've placed on myself by only performing Western Classical.  Not to say that one musical tradition is better than another, but I think unfortunately much of the  essence (energy/sensitivity/depth) of Western Classical has been lost in the last century.  India's traditions of Hindustani (Northern Indian music) and Karnatic (Southern) seem to still promote the essence of music itself.  

For instance, Indian ragas are not merely scales.  Ragas do not refer to just a series or pattern of notes.  And I recently learned the debate over the theory of semitones (or quarter-tones) is considered irrelevant to many Indian musicians.  Apparently, emphasis should not be on if there are truly 20 or 22 semitones in a scale; rather, Sruti, or micro-interval, denotes the smallest audible difference between one musical note and another (Pesch, Raga Dhana). According to this belief, there could be an infinite number of variances from note to note.  The "answer" lies within the listener and his or her ability to perceive musical depth.  

I find it noteworthy that 1st, the word ornamentation does not do Karnatic ornamentation (gamaka)  justice.  According to Ludwig Pesch, it is a misunderstanding for one to think that first a note exists, and then its embellishment comes.  No, the embellishment it just as important as the "note"... here again it is almost silly to differentiate between the note and the embellishment because in a way, they are one and the same.  I feel that Western music used to weigh the use of embellishments more heavily.  Baroque music demanded the player to improv over a series of chords.  Cadenzas used to be made in the moment; now there are standards that most musicians memorize and perform.  

In my 1st lesson today, my teacher, Hari Ravikumar, explained to me the advantage to a group lesson with one or two other people.  He said it would be quite boring and unmeaningful if I were to just constantly copy and play what he did.  He said it would be better if there were other students to interact with musically:  one would play a phrase, then I extend it, then I pass it to another, etc.  After actually experiencing this in the lesson, I was converted.  "Group" lesson to him is fortunately not the equivalent to most "group lessons" in the States, where most students do not get the undivided attention they need in order to progress.  

I think there is something significant in emphasizing the relationship between the notes in Karnatic music.  This is where the mystery is said to lie.  The different emotions or energies provoked when two specific notes are played in succession cannot be theorized or standardized. Infinite number of Ragas exist, but now only 100 or so are played.  Certain ragas are played for different times of days, different holidays, etc.  A good musician is said to be able to play only a few notes and evoke the appropriate emotion of that specific raga.  As well, a good listener will then be able to identify the raga.  In the West we sometimes recognize different tensions between the notes, but unfortunately pedagogically I think we have failed; we overlook the ____ between the notes and _____ in general.  Instead, we tend to focus on merely technique and the "emotion" that appeals to society.  We think, this piece of music was so good because it made me feel happy, or it made me feel sad.  We reduce music to bad grammar and a bed of tears (can you have a bed of tears???)  

I am also reading The Book (On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are) by Allan Watts.  I found it randomly at Blossom, this great used book store in Bangalore.  He discusses the difference between Difference (Separation) and Differentiation.  Often, we are too eager to say x is a separate substance from z.  Us vs. Them.  Good vs. Bad.  (He got me on the "we're more tolerant than you" in reference to religion).  Me:  musical note vs. musical note... why do we tend to say these are the 8 notes in the scale, rather than, these are the 7 tensions within the scale and the notes are a result?  Positive space vs. Negative space.  Any visual artist knows that the negative is just as important as the positive.  I remember at Westover having to do an assignment, only drawing negative space.  It was so difficult, why?  Because I had been trained to only see the positive.  I also remember having a great artist teacher/friend Mrs. Shapiro who said there are no such things as lines.  She was quite true in her statement.  Lines do not exist, only the perception of lines.  Same perhaps is true with musical notes?  Isn't it such an uprooting thought- the possibility that notes are a deception?  We've been focusing on only half of the true picture.  Mr. Pikler (violin teacher at North Park) always stressed intervals.  He said he understood intonation through intervals (between the notes) rather than just A goes here, put your finger on B here, etc.  He stressed importance on actually hearing where that specific E went during that specific passage.  To think that we have been missing out on 50%+ of music... and if in music, where else in our lives?

Dr. L Subramaniam, King of Karnatic Violin, my guru's master

BEST CONCERT OF THIS LIFE

KCP4 and Renga Ensemble

Last night I attended the best concert I have possibly been to.  It was at Chowdiah Memorial Hall, which is shaped like a violin after T. Chowdiah (Indian to master 7 stringed violin...wish I could man age 4).   

The concert was a collaboration of London Philharmonic Orchestra's Renga Ensemble and KCP4 (Karnataka College of Percussion Quartet).  Renga, though I had never heard of them, was impressive and I admired them for branching out from the western classical world.  They are a small ensemble from the LSO who specialize in non-western music and even attempt to learn the indigenous or cultural music by rote, or by ear (how the music was intended to be learned).  As well, there is a heavy emphasis on improvisation.  I had never heard a french horn improv on jazz-indian-fusion music, but I'd definitely pay to hear it again!  

KCP4 is a superb group of four players including Ramamani, a female, Indian vocalist who is by far the most phenomenal singer I have ever heard.  She had even composed 90% of the songs that the two groups performed.  Unfortunately I cannot find any links to videos online that do her justice.  

The first thing that I noticed among KCP4 musicians was that they were all so free in their movements and sound together.  They were comfortable in their bodies and in the music that was unfolding moment by moment.  There was no stagnation nor hesitation.  It all seemed so natural.  As well, they were technically impressive, often using the art form or technique of Konnakol  which involves verbal percussive syllables at an often fast pace in rhythmically challenging cycles.  

Here is a video of the group performing Konnakol:  KCP4

It actually doesn't matter what I write about the concert.  There is no way to put into words the sheer energy and creativity and beautiful process that I witnessed.  It was quite inspiring... I even wanted to practice! <--- (that is a good indication by musicians that it was a good concert)

It had been a very, very long time since I saw an inspiring and musically fulfilling concert.  Even the conductor should be commended for attempting to jazz-Indian scat with these fine Indian musicians.  Such a sensational concert makes me want to play in Renga some day and find other collaborators for such projects!  Superb!